so today my heart hurts real bad...I'm not sure if its the weather outside....its sorta grey but cool which i sorta like...its one of those days where all i can do is go over all the things iv done in my head. sometimes being alone with myself is nice but it can make me so sad. iv been thinking about Matt again....we talked a bit over text MSG-ing cause of the house we own together. i wanted to get it over with and now he said its almost done...and it sorta just hit me like holly fack its really over....and i know its for the best but its still really hard. i keep going back to all the good times we had together, there was allot of those but we both got so consumed with only looking at the negatives about each other and it kills me now.
i have a date tonight with a guy name Chris and I'm really excited to meet him but i wish i could just not think about Matt. i really think i could like this Chris guy too but i hope i can just live int he moment.
i find mornings the hardest only cause I hate waking up and him not being beside me. that's when he was the most loving to me. he would tell me he loved me without me asking him to say it and stuff like that. he would wake me up by kissing me on the forehead and he would just be there with me and we would be in that place i loved soo much. i just find i wake up here, in my parents house, where i should be the most comfortable, i wake up here sometimes confused and like disorientated about where i am and then the cold breath of loneliness whispers in my ear and i realize were never going to be with each other ever again. fuck i just don't know what happened... we made each other so happy....well i know he made me happy.
i wonder though allot if he maybe questions us in his head to or maybe he is happy were done? i think i was to hard on him and i know i was in some cases. fuck i hate this i hate that after a month I'm still thinking theres something between us. i don't know if its love but it was something...maybe the comfort of each others company.....we went through allot together. a friend of ours died while we were together and he was the person who kept me strong through that and i worry that if something happens now...who do i turn to....he was the one...well at this point in my life he is/was....and my heart is healing but i think but I'm worried that I'm not healing well enough or maybe I'm not healing at all. iv hardly cried even over this break up with him which is weird b/c normally when i used to think about him i would cry uncontrollably...but this time its like I'm putting this wall up to protect my shattered heart. fuck i dunno I'm sacred ill never love anyone with the same enthusiasm as i loved him. I'm scared.

my night tonight......

so its my 21st birthday today at 2:29 in the morning. i just got home from shopping at the all night shoppers with trista...hahaha. its too funny how we are...but i like it allot. i like how i am and i like how she is that's why we are best friends. we know everything about each other and we trust each other. were totally different personality's and you wouldn't think we would even get along. we believe in completely different things in life and our morals are completely different as well...obviously that's why we keep each other close....were that other side of the train tracks for each other. I'm just saying I'm happy she is my friend and i enjoyed my birthday going to the all night shoppers.
we were at shoppers today so much its ridiculous!! ha ha that was my fourth time back to a shoppers today...omg I'm addicted to shoppers....ha ha something about shoppers today but it was like a sign or somethings!!
i totally believe in those things like you are where you are for a reason and your with who your with for a reason.
like today when me and trista were in shoppers for my third time back today...we ran into amanda from high school...which is weird because we were just talking about her the other day with a friend, mike from high school. mike lives around the corner from me and me and trista went out for ice cream with him the other night and he informed us that amanda's dad had just died of cancer and that he had been hanging out with her and talking with her allot. they dated for a long time in high school and then split up but i guess the death has brought them together again...which is a good thing with a really not good thing.
i couldn't imagine loosing my dad...or my mom. she looked awesome though...so did her mom and we met her new bf ward i think that was his name. but yeah i dunno i just thought it was interesting how we were just talking about her and in three years of not being in high school i haven't ran into her once but i also haven't thought of her really and then i do and she pops up.
i find that happens a ton with one of my other best friends sarah. sarah and me have been best friends since we were in grade 5. i was the new kid to a whole new school. and i wore an all black outfit...black pants...black shirt and a black head band to match and the icing on the cake was my plat form shoes my auntie brenda picked up for me in the states somewhere. anyways so i remember sitting at the back of the classroom and sarah comes up and says "i like your shoes, where did you get them?" and honestly from that point forward we were bff's. ha ha too funny.
anyways i better go to bed now here iv got a big birthday planned out that i need to be rested up for...allot of drinking to be done. lol we made jello shooters tonight before the whole shoppers spree. me trista and amanda made a cake that totally sucked and made lime jello shooters for tomorrow hahaha. anyways i just wanted to write that i couldn't be happier with the way my life is and the people in it. I'm so lucky for everything and everyone i have here in this world and i wanted to say thanks for an awesome birthday!!
love yall
*Celia

ps....spell check actually work this time thank gawda!!! i seriously did not know that awsome was spelt like this...awesome...like wtf!!! hahaha i need to take a third grade spelling class agian!!! enjoy

the last two years of my life

so people probly blog about bullshit in their life all the time...especially boy trouble but i dont care i need to write this stuff down to make scence of it.

so iv been single for two weeks now and am likeing it...i think. i cant decide if im happy being single or if im still in shock from the break up.

see me and matt had been together for two years and we had broken up last year around the same time of year. it was because he got a facebook msg from his ex gf of three years...her name was vallerie. i now think i hate that name..hahaha. anyways he broke up with me over a text msg when i was out of town on a pairing, im a flight attendant and we call the days were awy a pairing.

so last year i was a complete mess because he hadent told me why he was breaking up with me other than he didnt want to hurt me anymore. it was a complete surprise to me because only a couple of night before this he was saying he loved me and we were happy...at least i thought we were. anyways so i didnt take this break up well. i went a little crazy i think..haha just a little bit though. i got really depressed and lost about 15 pounds in less than two weeks which was rediculus.

it was my 20th birthday and i was single and out to dinner with my family at the keg. i hadent talked to matt for about a week and a half and i get a text msg from him saying "happy birthday". i left the dinner table and tookm my phone with me to the bathroom and cried for about an hour. i told my family i wasent feeling good and i wanted to go home.

that was a horrible memorie for me on a birthday when all i could focuss on was the pain in my heart. i wanted to scream at someone or just curl up in a ball and cry the whole night...which i did when i got home. i never texted him back to say thank you for the birthday wishes bvecause i didnt want him to know he made me cry my eyes out that night.

untill the next week when i was feeling lonely and very sad so i found affection elswhere because i was needing it badley. me and kevin a guy i went to high school with hooked up and dated for about four days. those four days were hard for me. i felt so strange being with a nother guy because i was still crazy about matt, so one night im over at kevins house because he decided to make me dinner. we were going to go to his friends house party ater that night. i was ok with all of this but i was a zombee. not really myself because i was so depressed and still very confussed. so i get a call from a freind of mine that i had met through matt that night while i was eating with kevin.

her name is katie and she says "hey are you coming to bryce's party tonight". and i planley told her no...im out with my new bf and will not be attending. i had only decided not to go to bryce's bvecause i heard matt would be there and i didnt want to embarris myself.

so me and kevin ate our dinner and stuff which was a very awkward dinner....kevin made us steaks and potatoes and roasted peppers and garlic bread. he poured me a coke in a glass and squeezed some lemon in it which i liked. mbut while we were eating we didnt talk...at all. kevin pulled the garbage can right next to him and when he was done with soemthing on his plate he would put it in the trash. so i was on the other end of the table watching him do this and thinking this was the wierdest thing i had ever seen. so we finished and i ran home quickley to change into some jeans cause i was sorta dressed up for our dinner.
anyways what im getting at is mine and matts dinners were nothing like this so it was very strange for me...

so i get back to kevins and we left from there. i drove my car and we picked up two of his freinds. so we get to this house party and i try to fit in. so i drank...i drank my face off and was really drunk within about an hour of being there. then i get a text msg....its from matt...this broke my heart again. i panicked because i wanted to text him back this time. i dont knwo if i wanted to text him back because i was drunk or because i really really missed him. i decided to text him back and see what he wanted but instead of being nice i told him to fuck off i didnt want to speak with him because he wasent letting me move on and live my life, i didnt want kevin to see i was texting somone back especially my ex-bf. but i did and we texted back and fourth for a while when matt finally said where are you im coming to get you now. he wanted to make things right and he wouldent legt me not say yes...which i liked becasue he was fighting for me which i really liked. i really wanted him to come get me but i was being very stubborne and i was saying no im here with my "friends". i didnt want him to think i was that desparate although i really was because i realized i had been ditched by my "new bf" kevin. he had taken off with a bunch of people and i was standing in the backyard all alone and started to think maybee i will go with matt. he called me and i answered! i was so happy to hear his voice and so excited that he was going to come and get me. i told him the road i was on and what i was close to because i had no idea where the hell i was. i was soo drunk. it started raining and kevin came back. i lied and told him that my brother called and was coming to get me but he only had room for me because he had two friends with him. kevin seemed like he knew somehting was up but i was adimate about leaving now i was sorta mad at him but could really care less all i could think about was how me and matt were going to talk.

so matt parked at the shell station across the street from this house party and i quickley took off from this party and ran in the rain across the street and got in his truck. i didnt even look at him right awya. as soon as i was in the truck i was sort of in shock that i was really there...and i was going over in my head and saying "what the fuck am i doing" i thought i was crazy and i didnt really knwo what to expect because at this point i had no idea he had left me for any reason other than because he didnt want to hurt me. but i never understood how he was hurting me because i didnt know about vallerie untill this night. we went back to matts house and talked and he told me everything i wanted to hear. he told me he wanted to live with me and he was so sorry he had done what he had done. i made him tell me everything and when he told me about vallerie i started crying and my heart broke yet again. i stopped talking for a bout half an hour. i honestley couldent find words to say after finding out i was left by him for soemone else.

matt cant cry because he dosent have tear duckts and that night he cired which i thought was like some sort of a sign that he was truley sorry and that he really did want to make things right with me.

so we decided to give it another go. i was soo happy that we were back together, my friends all thought i was crazie because they all saw how messed up he made me and the heart ake he put me through, but they all suported me in this deccision to get back together with him.

so we dated for another year but now i was very self concious...which i NEVER was before. i would just break out in a cry because i would be so unsure of myself. he consoled me and told me it would get better with time. it didnt. i dont think i ever really trusted him ever again. everyone who kew our situation told me i should be happy because after all he did schoose me over her. but that didnt sit well with me i didnt see it that way and i still dont. anyways this went on for another year. back and fourth through my mind and im sure his if we should really be together. and then about three weeks ago, i was at our house, and he lied about where he was going and justr started to pull the same shit with me as he did last year. it scared me soo bad i didnt want to stick around to really find out what was happening. he wasent telling me he loved me and he was avoiding me and i just couldent handle another episode of heart ake, the pain in my heart still hasent healed from the pain he caused before. so i left him...its been two weeks and i still dont know if...well no i knwo it was the right decission this time although i did/do still love him and hate how hard it is to forgett things liek this.
anyways wow it feels good to write it all down and look through it and know that this is what needed to be done for myself to be normal again. its my birthday on saturday and im scared that he is going to text me. i dont knwo how i will react to it this year. im in a different state of mind this year with the break up but i still dont know. and i own a house with him so we have to talk about that which really sucks because im scared im going to get all emotional around him.ahhhhhhh whatever anyways i dont even know who reads these things but if you read this try and enjoy. i will have better things to write about soon because iv always got soemthing to say but i had to get this out there and outta my head.
*Celia

ps...the spell check on here didnt work so yes enjoy my horribly spelt EVERYTHING!! haha